Through An 'Old Timer's' Eyes
By Howard 'Mac' McDonald

As the new year dawns I am in awe at how many things have disappeared from our landscape.

I'm finding it difficult to locate a phone booth where I can change into my Superman costume.

The four big college football bowl games used to make New Year's Day something special. Now there are too many bowl games to count.

We bid farewell to President Ford, leaving us with three living former presidents. With all of that expertise available, you'd think they could help President Bush find a way out the mess he got us into. But it's obvious that George doesn't take too much advice.

Saying good-bye to 2006 wasn't too hard for me. I've had better years and I've had worse. I firmly believe that your fate is what you make it and I'm working hard to make mine better.

There were some strange events in 2006. I can't understand how Muhammed Ali was deserving of the Freedom Medal. What did he do to deserve the highest award that can be given to a civilian? Maybe it was because he stayed home to dodge the draft instead of running off to Canada like the other cowards did.

Another strange thing was the discovery of these husbands in Colorado City, Ariz., who are not satisfied with one wife. They get pretty hostile when a stranger comes to town to ask questions.

At least we learned the difference between polygamy and bigamy. Polygamy is where the women don't care how many of them are sharing a husband, whereas with bigamy, neither of the wives knows about the other one. My Redneck Dictionary illustrated the word by using it in a sentence: "It was pretty bigamy to pick up the dinner check for both of my wives."

I've been married for 56 years and still haven't figured out my wife, so I don't think bigamy is for me.

Here in Emporium, the construction company put a port-o-john in the alley behind the Cabin Kitchen while they were working on the gas lines. It's a good thing they had that or I might have given away my identity. We also had the runaway truck smashing into the ladies'room. Maybe it was an accident, or maybe he was trying to get a peep.

And then there was the adventure of my nephew, Harry Fulmer, and his friends from the In Crowd Camp at Rich Valley. Harry shot a sevenpoint buck and his friend shot a doe. They dragged their deer to the porch and decided to celebrate inside with a toast.

One of their friends went out to see the two deer and soon returned, saying, "I hate to tell you this, boys, but there are no deer on the porch."

Sure enough, they went outside to investigate and the deer were gone. When cooler heads prevailed, the investigation got underway and a blood trail was discovered leading up the hill. The men followed the trail almost to the summit, where they discovered mama bear and her two cubs having venison for lunch. A couple of shots in the air persuaded the three bears to beat a hasty retreat. Goldilocks was nowhere to be found.

Finally, 2006 wasn't too great for the Steelers. They had some good games, but weren't consistent. I'll still watch the Super Bowl, mostly to see the commercials. I hope they find somebody for the National Anthem who can actually sing. I get angry when some of these clowns butcher that beautiful song.

Our strange winter with no snow has put the ski resorts in a financial bind. I put a coat of wax on my snow shovel so it wouldn't rust from sitting idle so long. My mother used to say, "Open winters; full graveyards." I don't believe that this kind of weather is healthy.

My Redneck Dictionary helped me out with winter: "She winter way and I went mine."

It also came in handy after my friend said he needed to get a CAT scan: "No way my dogs are allowed on the couch, but my CAT scan."

So now it is 2007 and after I shook my crystal ball I could read the word "up." At first I thought it meant things were looking up for the new year, but then I realized it meant that everything is going up: taxes, sewer bills, water bills and about everything else.

New Year's Day is celebrated in these parts with a pork and sauerkraut dinner. In the south, they have black-eyed peas and cornbread. These meals are supposed to bring you good luck. All they've ever brought me is gas.

Everybody seems to want to make a New Year's Resolution. People make a resolution about their diet or their smoking, but most of us like to eat the stuff we shouldn't and the demon nicotine keeps its hook in most people who try it.

I made a couple of resolutions: to help at least one person every day and to cut down on my swearing. It's hard to put my brain in gear before my mouth starts running, but I am going to try.

I hope the new year is good to all of us and especially to the troops who are engaged in the sad war. Keep your head down and your powder dry.