Through An 'Old Timer's' Eyes
By Howard 'Mac' McDonald

In a world that is full of amazing new things, it is hard to believe that there are some things that are impossible to do.

We have walked on the moon, re-attached body parts that have been severed and even watched as Babe Ruth's home run record was shattered. With all these things we can accomplish, there is one thing that no human being can do. This thing that is impossible for us to do, is lick our elbow.

The majority of us are lawabiding citizens.

Some of the old laws have been stricken from the books. One such law was written in England back in the 1400s and that was the law that said a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have the "rule of thumb."

In 1967 I was transferred to Dover AFB Delaware. In front of the State Capitol Building, they had a set of stocks. The law was still on the books that for certain infractions of the law you could be put in this restraint as punishment. They also had a law about beating your wife. They are no longer on the books.

In this country we drink a lot of soda pop. Coca Cola has a secret formula that has been a closely guarded secret ever since its inception and not too long ago, one of their employees tried to sell it to Pepsi. Pepsi refused the offer and turned that person in to Coke. I think Coca Cola had this person charged for stealing. When Coca Cola was first invented it was green.

In the United States we have a lot of monuments. Just about anything that has historical significance is honored with a monument. Here in Cameron County we have Memorial Springs and in Driftwood there is the statue that honors "The Bucktailers" of Civil War fame. In Washington, D.C. there are more monuments that I can count. But these monuments are all stationary, which makes the San Francisco Cable Cars the only mobile National Monument.

During the Civil War there were many generals that lead forces for both the confederates and the union. Every town that was home to these generals, has a statue of them on a horse in the town park. If the horse has both front legs in the air, that person was killed in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of the wounds he received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. I never found out what the horse died of.

The American Indian was driven from most of this land by the settlers. They were not treated fairly and have been bitter for a long time. They have now come back with a vengeance with their casinos. They are now scalping the gamblers and they don't even have to have a knife. You know what they say, "pay back is hell."

I am not much of a gambler but I have played a little poker. We always played dealers choice and maybe by the time you went around the table you would have played draw poker, five or seven card stud.

Since poker has moved to the TV, every one is now playing Texas Hold'em. No matter what card game you play, you still have the same 52 cards. Did you know that each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history? Spades - King David - Charlemagne, clubs - Alexander The Great and last but not least, diamonds - Julius Caesar.

At the casinos if you are gambling, they will give you free drinks. It is perks like these that keep people playing. If you are a high roller, you can be awarded a free room in the hotel and free food. This really makes these big spenders play hard. The hotel even has a honeymoon suite and I don't think you have to show your marriage license to get it.

It was the accepted practice in Babalon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the brides father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar is lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. I don't think you can get Mead at Salamanca.

If you are ever in Jolly Old England and you stop in a Pub for a cold one you will find out Ale is the drink of choice. Ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when the customers got a little wild, the bartender would yell at them, "mind your pints and quarts and settle down." I guess that is where the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" came from.

When I was a young boy, my Dad was the Justice of the Peace for our part of the township. He had an old Oliver typewriter and because he only had one hand, he was a one finger typist.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter was Tom Sawyer. We all know that Mark Twain wrote this story and after he finished it, I think he sold that typewriter to my Dad.

Thank you Marsha Lamont for the material. At least 75 percent of you will try to lick your elbow. Good luck trying.